JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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