Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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