the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
