My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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