1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
