He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
