Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
