I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
