i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize