no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
