Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
