They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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