She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
