all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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