you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
