I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
