Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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