Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
