he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize