I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
