apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
