The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
