I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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