How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
