Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just high enough for therapy.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
