I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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