It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
