It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
