I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
