We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
