Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
