If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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