Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
