I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
