You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
