i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
