You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
