apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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