I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize