It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
