Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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