what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
