I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
