I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
