god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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