Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
