so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
