Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
