theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
