Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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