chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
be right there i have to get my cape
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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