Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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