i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
