we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
