no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
