Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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