Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
