I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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