nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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