so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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