I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
