all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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