I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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