you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
