so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
