i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
