The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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